MIND THE GAP

i like pacing in my free time.

its cartoonish aside from a good generator for thought. most of my ideas come to me mid motion—even this one—can’t think if i sit to. i reflect on the day, if i died or not, or the fact that i am pacing back and forth. and that my back hurts of course (old age making room for itself). also dont live somewhere walkable so its good exercise.

but a recurrent theme i notice in my pacings is how hard independence from external sources to feel steady is. thats voodoo for equanimity. unshaken by unpredictability, ugly events—or i guess: reality. that stable, uninterrupted, internal bliss. a zen master enduring a hurricane; wet wind blows, fish slaps his eversmiling face.

how does one manage to do that? its impressive.

okay. i do know. its not woo woo. but knowing is not believing. believing is not integration. and integration is… humiliatingly difficult.

feels like deceiving everyone and yourself. tiny bitter man cosplaying positivity.

and this is why i cant stand optimists. am i envious of what i lack or are they truly obnoxious i dont know, all i know is theyre zen master’s biggest enemy. irritatingly good at pointing out your differences while you quietly work hard on square one. and i live with one so, thoughts and prayers.

i wont lie, ive had a few uncharacteristic wins. but when it gets bad its bad. almost cried over my grilled chicken today.

its been bad and, no rush, i want to learn how to ignore it. might this be delusion? copium? might. but its better than pandemonium.

for now all i know is how to pace like a madman, even in public. its a good regulator.

so till then, ill keep moving.

to a stable core.